Heart Beats

Past is past but future is future. It's what we do in the present that makes the difference. I make rash and often idiotic decisions because I feel alive when I do it. I like my life to be thought of as a heart beat. Sometimes its up, sometimes its down but its never the same. It's not a flat line. That's how I know I'm not dead.

Worth a penny and a fish tank

I'm not worth much... I mean if you offered me a penny and a fish tank I would surely be at your beck and call, that's just me really. I mean what composes my body really? Oxygen, carbon, hydrogen, and nitrogen. That's the bulk of what forms my skin and so on. But there's more. There's much more to this simple composition. We're all brittle body masses but we are strong. Not by what makes us by what we make of ourselves. We are human, but what of each person? What is an individual worth and how do you reach a conclusion to how much they cost? At one point we as humankind judged this by skin color and social class but have we changed really? Sure we have progressed but there is still those who see themselves higher than others. I used to have someone very close to me who thought themselves better than I. They never vocalized or discriminated but I knew they looked down on me. It hurt I suppose but what is pain if you are a human? I have a point to this whole mess of random ideas. They are all relevant I promise just bear with me. See, everyone is riding a horse but some like to boast that their horse is slightly taller than others when in all actuality we are all on the same plain. We are even and we all equal a greater whole than each individual amounts to. We are all humans and we are all built with the key components of oxygen, carbon, hydrogen, and nitrogen. If this is fact than it can be stated that nothing makes me better than the scruffy homeless man who pilfers your trash can for food, for him and I are each an individual that forms a greater whole. Humanity. Nothing higher nor below.

Hearts and Souls and Why I wear hats

You know...I fancy myself to be someone who has a soul and a heart. One of the few on earth who have both. I've fought back and forth between what it takes to have both individually and what one must do to achieve both and I've found that I do not in fact have either. I'm rare... despicable really. I mean, every human must have at least one but I have neither. I thought at one point that I was a soulless heart who was destined to fall in love with a heartless soul but I see now that I don't deserve such a thing. I'll elaborate of course. A heart. It's all about feeling pain, happiness and so forth. I don't feel. I'm numb. I've had moments, you know though. Where I thought I might have a heart but it's all mirrors. I'm imitating what it takes to have a heart. Following the crowd... A soul though is far more tricky. See a soul is what life is all about. You feel warmth when your cold and feel a cooling breeze when your hot. That's a soul. Without a soul your an empty shell. You feel nothing. A soul is far more rare than a heart. Your born with a heart and over time that heart can deteriorate or grow stronger. Depends upon the person really, but a soul is something you find. Now, it can be found anywhere and sometimes it can be found in multiple places. I have a soul out there and I have truly found it...twice to be exact, but I lost it both times. I was never able to keep a hold of it... Now my heart, I was born with that vital organ but it seems my heart imploded. It couldn't bear the weight that I was putting on it so with all the pressure it collapsed. It's sad I know but I wouldn't know if it wasn't for my understanding of what happened. I feel empty most days...

I write with my hands

I might break my hands so that I will never write another word about you. It would help me get over how I'm feeling. I would be forced to deal with and forget words written. It's what drew you in and what made me realize I loved you. Not the first but the latter. I was in love with you. Anyways, it was my writing that brought you in. Like a venus fly trap calling towards a fly. I had no intentions of hurting you though I did a few times. I could go back to June and remember those words but those words are old and dusty and hold no meaning. So to stop my pen I will break the thing that holds it. I won't be able to hold back if I don't. I won't write nor breath a word of you. I will erase myself from existence and you won't be able to bother me.

A plot to disappear

I would like to phase out. Phase out meaning to disappear. To become nothing for the slightest moment even would make me feel warm. I'm plotting out this act. I'm preparing for a trip out to the sea. I might travel by foot, or car, or airplane but I will get there. I'll gather things along the way. About myself, humanity, and what it means to breath. I'm sick of these bullshit places I call home so I'm molding a new idea of home. It won't be anything but simple. A simple idea. For this search I'm going to shed everything. Friends, Family, belongings. I'm going to lose everything so that I can find out what my feet can do. It's necessary though you might not agree. I've grown tired of everything around me and even myself, I've grown tired of me. So I'll plot and execute this plan for disappearing. I'll leave without any goodbyes and without warning anybody of my plot or where I am going. This letter to all who matter or all who think matter is the only indication of my plot. Though you'll probably take this as a joke or a metaphor. You decide...

Maybe I'm insane or maybe I just need sea salt

Sheepish mannerisms. What made me so afraid today? I saw a glimpse of what I am and what I will be and I held fast to old thoughts and life views. I wasn't myself I guess...I looked in the mirror and saw yet another person. It changes everyday. This one had black eyes and pale skin. Like he had no soul. Like who he was was lost in translation. Maybe I suffer from schizophrenia. Maybe there's numerous versions of myself floating around inside my head and each get their chance in the limelight. Maybe I need help, maybe I need space, maybe I need to be alone by the sea to gather my thoughts.
...
That's a reoccurring theme it seems. The "sea". Maybe that's the answer to my every problem. I just need sea salt.

Angel wings and anchored legs

If I die tonight,
sprout wings and fly away,
then tie an anchor to my leg so that I won't stray too far.

Hermit days

I wish to not exist. I hope for home one day by the sea in a bungalow estate where I can do as I please without surrounding glares. I will change my name and will become a hermit. I could live by the sea. I'd keep my jewelry so as to remind myself of what I left behind. I would have a broom closet of sorts to the side and I would store it all in there. In buckets labeled "past" and when I felt nostalgic I'd sit in that closet with the switch turned to "off". With a mere flash light to which I would shine on the rubies, sapphires, and diamonds. The glimmering beauties would remind me of the things to which I hate and I will then be able to never look back.

Celestia

I could be falling right now. My feet could have already left the ground and I could be falling. Through the air, letting the atmosphere whip around my body. I would crash through the forest canopy. Hitting branches and leaves as I went. I'd choose a few in my decent and I'd build a cushion to make my landing softer. Upon the ground I'd fall and once I was composed I could explore my crash site. Walking up from the crater a great layout of foliage and brick would lay before me. I would walk through the garden, picking flowers along the way for a wreath to wear upon my head. I'd take my feet to the ocean, where it's always cold outside but it's warm to the touch. I'd look at the waves as they called my name. I'd let them crash onto my feet over and over again. Watching as the light reflects off of the surface and forms miniature rainbows. I'd see the moon and the stars in those rainbows and I would be carried outwards into the atmosphere back to where I had fallen from...

Moon Melody

The sun waved goodbye and ducked down below the horizon. In it's place came a glowing silver sliver. The moon sent down a shower of rays and cradled me in it's crescent arms. It sang me a song, a melody. It was off key at times but I loved it all the same. As it sang and held me up so high I looked into it's eyes and saw the ocean waves. The water came in and back out to the sea. I saw the Earth spinning on it's axis and I saw humanity taking new form. They changed the meaning of breathing and for the time that I was safe in the moon's arms I was breathing with them...
...
I woke up the next morning to find my eyes wet. My window was open and the sun was illuminating my room with it's smiling rays. The previous night seemed to have never of happened and what I had saw was a mere image conceived from my mind but what of my tears? Why was I crying?

Where does this put us now?

While eating a red apple on the 3rd of July I accidentally bit off a little more than I could chew. I had swallowed an apple seed. I thought nothing of it so I went to bed that night without worry what might and did occur that night...
While sleeping my dreams were invaded by criss-crossing branches. They spread upwards and outwards and were surging through the crust of the Earth. They shot across the land and the Earth was covered with foliage. Not long after this phenomenon the green lands were teeming with life. All different shapes and sizes roamed the plains and it was then that I saw the circle. Soon after that I could see the pale fleshed humanity walking upright across the ground. They built buildings and formed villages and spread out across the Earth to create diverse races of the pale beings....
...
..
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...
I woke up the next morning with sand in my eyes. I wiped them from my face as I walked to the bathroom. All this while I didn't notice the faint sound of birds chirping from nearby. I brushed my teeth and as I raised my head upwards towards the mirror I saw it. A shrubbery type thing growing right out of my ear. A tree, with branches, leaves and fruit. A crimson sphere hung from a branch. I took said fruit and took a bite out of it. It was an apple and from that apple came more trees and from the trees came beasts of every shape and size and from those beasts came humanity, then civilization, then so on and so on, ect.

Harry & Claire

A porcelain beauty she sat. She stared at nothing but yet she was staring at me. She was content. So pristine she stood from her chair and walked towards the door, reached for the door knob, and walked out of the gaping hole in the wall. She turned back and spoke softly the words I feared she might, "Goodbye, I love you". I stood there and stared at where she once stood. Where she had once said those words. I couldn't speak for weeks. As if the words I wanted to say to make her stay were stuck in my throat. I didn't stop her. I could have...but I didn't. I lost all motivation. I didn't shower, I didn't eat, I didn't drink, and there were entire gaps of time where I would stop breathing as if the words I never spoke were choking me.
...
I moved on eventually. I got a job at the cafe down the road from our...my apartment. I served food to cheerful guests with cheerful smiles and I put a faux cheerful smile on as I greeted each person and gave them their orders. They had no worries. So damn cheerful they were. After work everyday I would walk towards my house. Past the boutiques and the shoe shops. Past the pubs and strip clubs. Past the parks and ponds. I'd stand in front of my apartment door and I'd see the Christmas wreath that she had put there on December 14th, 1984. It's 1986. I open my door and I smell that familiar smell. Her apple scented candles that she loved. I walk to my room and I grab the door knob to the door that she had once touched on the day that she left. I turn the knob and step inside to all the same things in all the wrong places. I shifted everything around after she left so that when I slept I wouldn't be reminded of her. That when my eyes would finally close I would be able to sleep without seeing her face. I would sleep peacefully. I would live in those eight hours of slumber. Then I would wake up the next day and I would go along with how my days always go. The way every dead day of mine goes.
...
Ten years later I write all of this. I'm 33 and I'm still living my dead life to the fullest. I still have the same clothes. The same furniture, the same everything. I haven't changed save the loss of hair and well I got a dog. I named her Bailey. She is my everything. She is always there for me no matter my mood. She perks up her ears when I walk in the door and she is always there to greet me with a cheerful smile. She's given me reason to my dead life.
...
I got a letter the other day from Claire. Oh yeah, that's her name. She's the girl who left and the one who spoke her last leaving words. She's on her death bed. She moved in with her parents after she left and she lived there up till now it seems. She was diagnosed with malignant melanoma a few months ago. Stage IV and the doctor says he can't do anything to help her. Her letter reads as followed.

Hello, I love you.

Harry...I'm really sorry for everything. For the fights that meant nothing. The fits of rage and the broken plates. The hurtful words and everything. I am sorry. I had and have a broken soul and in turn I broke your soul into so many pieces and I'm so sorry. I can't say it enough. I have something to tell you and I'm just going to come out and say it. I have malignant melanoma and I am writing this letter from my death bed. They say they can't do a god damn thing to help me. I'm sure your laughing right now at the this whole thing. Well, at least I hope your not laughing...too hard. I write this letter to you alone because in all these years I've found no one. I've seen no one. No one wants me... Your the only one who would ever put up with me I guess. I hope that you are well and I'm sorry for contacting you after so long. Once again I am sorry for everything.

Dying of cancer,
Claire

...
I somehow found myself beside her, days later in the hospital. Her breathing was shallow and her eyes were sunken in. She was pushing a wagon with square wheels up a hill and she was losing. We didn't say anything. I just sat there and stared at her as she stared at nothing yet she was staring at me. Directly into my soul. It was as if she was attempting to fix what she had broken. Her porcelain skin was blotched with shadows and I could see her slowly slipping away even as I was holding her hand in place. She was so pristine on that day. I was holding onto her hand so tight but she was still able to stand up and walk towards the door. She was still able to reach for the door knob and walk out of the gaping hole in the wall. Even my tears couldn't hold her back. She turned back and spoke softly the words I knew and feared she would, "Goodbye, I love you". I knew I couldn't let her leave this time without me saying my last words. So I raked my brain for the right ones. I ended up with the words that were caught in my throat on that day, "Don't leave me, I love you". Those unspoken words weren't enough for her then and they weren't enough spoken now. She was gone and even as I screamed and sobbed out my eyes, I could feel her in the room. She had left her soul in the doorway.
...
To this day when I walk towards a door I see her. Her smiling pristine smile on that porcelain face. I still live a dead life. I still do the same damn things, though I've learned to do them in different ways. Claire was and always will be apart of me. At least as long as I am close to a doorway.

Humanity; A once breathing race

I wake up from another sleepless night and I look around my room. I see things that don't matter, things that I could do without but still have. I want to shed all non-necessities, walk out my back door, and run head first into the forest in my backyard. I would shed my skin and I would jump from branch to branch spreading my words on the bark of every limb of every tree. I would make a difference out there in that green nothing. I would make heads turn to the right and they would see the Atlantic and to the left the Pacific. They would drop all that they held and they would see what I've seen for years. This could all be done in the wild. The foundation of every nation. We built civilizations on the back of the Earth and this rotating blue and green sphere has been carrying us for years. What happens when it's had enough? What happens if we're thrown off and sent spiraling into the black nothing of space? We'd stop breathing. Humanity is all and a Humanity that isn't one isn't a breathing humanity.

The man with eyes as big as the moon

I am not myself today. It's like my brain has been turned upside down... When I looked at the sparkling glimmering reflection of my face I saw something different. I didn't see the boy who hid behind the Earth's gravity. I saw a man in the puddle of this lake. He stared at me and past my skin into my soul. His eyes searched through my mind, my heart, and my lungs. He kept staring, even as I walked away. Even after returning to my home, walking towards my bed, and hiding under the covers I could still feel his piercing glare. His eyes were the moon and I was the waves washing away at the shore.

Defiant rebels of this thing called gravity

While walking about Earth I could easily walk off the edge of a cliff. I'd fall momentarily of course due to this thing called gravity though after further inspection I could defy all science. I could float upwards into the stratosphere and float alongside the weather balloons. I could soak up the sun's rays from up this high; I could drink in the ocean of warmth that I would feel from being so close to the source of Sunny D. The sky would taste like Citrus punch and have a yellowish shade. I would swim through this veil into tomorrow...I wake up and I realize it's all a dream. Disappointing isn't it?

London; New breathing ground

I want to live in London where the time is always told in black and white and the bustling streets are filled with energy from the passerby of the breathing humanity. These city streets would rule my life and my heart would pulse in unison with the beats of the street. Would my soul be still in intact if I disappeared and joined the herd of British night walkers? I'm afraid of what I might become. Would the rainy weather have an adverse effect on my health? I'm sick of this common breathing pattern. I want my heart to beat faster and my feet to feel new soil. So as soon as I have the cash, I'm gonna hop a plane and hop the border and hop the ocean to my new breathing habitat. I can live on the streets of London until my lungs give way, cave in, collapse and I stop breathing.

Buckle up for safety

I always feel the need to wear a seat belt. To be strapped down and safe is one thing that would help ease my mind. I would have no worries of where I might end up or what I might do. I would just remain stationary. I wouldn't change. I wouldn't feel a thing when I crashed. Laying on top of the torn and bent metal of my automobile. I'd be safe. I need a safety strap to hold me tight and keep me safe from the danger of the dangerous things.

Me; the human

Look into me. See me breath. See me be every little thing I desire to be. My heart pulses and you can see that. You know I'm alive so keep watching. Watch as I turn my head slightly to the right and I become a different person. Watch me adapt to the climate change and see as my hair changes every day to fit my mood. Watch my double edged ways compete for dominance. Watch as I fight with myself daily. Fighting back yesterdays tears and fears. Running from I don't know. Those inconsistent and petty foes. Watch me breath in Oxygen and see me expel carbon dioxide from my lips. It floats up into the atmosphere and becomes one with the planetary sphere. I am one. I am all. I am few and though I may fall I know that I am breathing and I am alive and I am what I want to be. I am human.

About me

I write, explore randomly around the town I live in, and I often forget what I was doing whilst exploring. I stare at the sky, night and day. I kick rocks when I walk. I sometimes miss the mark, trip and fall. I like water. I like calm music. I like loud and rambunctious music. I want to live by the ocean one day, preferably the Pacific. Not in a town or city, maybe a village, but secluded from humanity but close enough to see and touch it. I want to one day own one pair of shoes and live off of what my writing can bring in. I want simple living but be able to explore a elaborate life. I'm rambling on I suppose.

The Great Divide

I used to dwell on the Pacific side. A sea side cottage where I could smell the salty air waft over the land. I was content. I was out one day soaking in the atmosphere when I felt something pulling me to the east. I slipped on my shoes and walked for days, for months, for years. I ended up on the eastern coast staring out at a blue abyss. I stayed there. I built a new cottage. I built a new life, forgetting of my western roots. I was enticed by the new salty air. I lived a happy life up to a point.

My dreams were haunted by a lonely apparition. A boy with drab clothing. He wept as I sat and watched him. Every night it was the same blue boy. Crying. Reaching out to nothing. I approached him one night and it was then that I could see him for who he really was. He had a mess of dark brown hair, hazel eyes that were looking right through you. He wore glasses. He wore the same clothes that I wore. He was me. I noticed a paper tag attached to his wrist. It read "The Northern Pacific cuts across the great divide". I stared into his blank eyes and saw everything that I was. I saw yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

I woke up...in my Norther Pacific cottage. Everything was as it was. My front door was open and I could smell the salty Pacific air. I was home. I was home. I was safe.

You're here when I feel nostalgic

We crossed paths. Across the blurred faces and side winding body figures I saw you. You were wearing that blouse I always hated. The one that made you a conformist. We were always two beings of different paths, destined to walk along the same road, but you conformed and became the straw that broke my back. I was hopeful but now I keep my hopes and dreams in a dirty shoe box, alongside the shoes I used to wear. I saw you, but you didn't see me. I waved my hands in front of your face for hours as you walked. You just kept staring past me, a transparent pane of glass. I kept at your side, keeping the pace...waving my hands. You'll have to stop walking at some point on your new road. I'm pathetic for following and for waving my hands and for hoping and for dreaming and for everything and for being nostalgic. Especially, when a cast aside stone gathers moss and is left and forgotten and green. A cast aside stone along the Atlantic shore. At least I have a view of the water. At least I guess...

Prison

I was arrested and accused and sentenced for a crime I didn't commit. I was thrown behind bars and left to rot and dwell on what I didn't do for years. 20 plus. I lost count. I didn't eat and I didn't sleep. I wrote my story on my cell walls. In vivid ink for the world to see. I listened to the monsters in the cells to my left and right. They drove me to insanity with their yells of insanity. I was on the edge, staring out at the ocean and all I could see was the sea. I was arrested and accused and sentenced for a crime I didn't commit. I spent 20 plus years in a cell staring at the ocean. I was insane. I died in prison.

Rocket ships and heart strings

I'd like to take my heart strings and tie them to a rocket. A voice would storm the cockpit. "10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, BLAST OFF", and I'd be off. The rocket would take me through the troposphere, the stratosphere, the mesosphere, the thermosphere, and into the exosphere. I'd feel meteoroids whiz past my hair and I would breath in the zero gravity, I'd be weightless. As we flew my heart would root itself into everything within the radius of me. I would spread my love to each nebula of the universe. I'd spread out across the sky and from earth you could see my heart strung out. The sky would be red with love from my heart and I would change the meaning of life. It'd be nice, you know? For this to happen someday. Strung out across the skyline, making things go right.

I hopes

I hoped to play out for her a mystery. To run along beside her and tease her with my scent. I hoped for her to keep running but at some point she tripped and I kept running. I had set up everything. Each trap, trip-wire, and moment of the day so skillfully executed to keep her eye. I was enticing to her senses. I drew out words to string her along a path to understand my games of mystery. I hoped that one day she might catch a word thrown out and cling to it. She might feel the feelings that I felt. She might finally know my name. I hoped.

Going a bit overboard

It's nice to know you never loved me,
it's nice to know that when you hugged me.
You snuck around behind my back,
took out my soul and cut no slack...

and even though I have no fear
I've got some things you need to hear

You were something I held dear,
and I was ready to adhere but
time has changed and you took back
the cigarettes I smoked behind the stack
of human flesh and carnage rights,
I'm glad that this has come to light.

I have changed and so have you,
We've put on completely different shoes.
You've chose your path and I've found mine,
I'm glad and sad you chose to resign but
this is what you have to hear,
the one thing to this I do sure fear.
Is that every night when you thought of me,
you had hatched a plot to make me be,
what you had wanted and what you had needed and
what I am glad was greatly defeated.
This man you wanted that I am not,
is non existent so take that lot
of foolish guy's who might just chase you.
The ones who hope to surely date you.
and crush them up like you did me
and pass the night away so free.

Let out the bad and in the good
and I hope that this is understood.
You are the girl who took my soul,
you snatched it and this I know,
that stealing is a deadly sin,
that he above will apprehend,
you at the gates of this place, then
he'll send you back into the ground to
live forever without a sound,
you'll be forgotten and as your rotting
I do confess that I once loved you...

and even though I have no fear
I've got some things you need to hear

Eleven ands, Four sentences

It seems like my life might have fallen apart a month or so ago or maybe it was never put together. Split apart at odd angles and made that way to create a project for me. I may have to use the help of a a white bull to piece everything ever so carefully together. My life is an art project and I may have been born broken and I may be messed up in every way imaginable and I may have problems and I may be doomed to travel to the Pacific ocean and I may never smell the Western ocean air and I may find myself dead having an out of body experience, looking down on my pathetic crumpled mass and I may be a mess but I hope that with all this pain and heart ache and confusion I find some new things about my self and I hope that I touch or change the life of at least one being of life whether it be my mother and father or a dog just trying to find it's way home.

Home is where my blanket holds me close

I like to hide under the covers of my bed. I curl up and become the armadillo and dig my way into my underground tunnels, my burrows. Elaborate. Twisting. Dirt tunnels built by my hands. A world of hand made rooms and chambers. I hide myself in these spacious dirt cavities and I am at home. I hide bits and pieces of myself sporadically in this home. Each room holds a different chapter or what not or other of me. I do this simply for defense. Much like the leathery hard armor shell that protects me from harm, these rooms filled with my words, my feelings, my fears, my happiness protect me from the outside world. I'm hard to get. You can stare at me for hours and not know or understand what I have said or what I am thinking. I dare you to try. It doesn't matter where my head lies, I will always be sheltered by these tunnels that hold me so closely. I will always be safe at home, wrapped in my bed thinking of new and elaborate ways to fold myself into a curl and hide everything about me.

Home is where companionship is

I am comfortable. I suppose that's it. Not yet though. I am here though. I am constantly in motion. Not for where I'm at. You don't see where I'm from though. So you don't quite feel where I'm from. I am home. I might walk out the front door and walk around the block and end up in the same place but I am always home. I have found it though. What of it? Become my companion and I might share a secret of companionship and happiness. Home isn't anything except where your heart and hands reside. I hate myself for this. This home...

Co2

I've grown rather tired of this oxygen. I want to breath in Co2. Just to see what it's like. My reasoning is simple. I want to leave here. I have hopes that I might somehow evolve with this great consumption of carbon dioxide. I might be able to bear space travel. I want to leave this lush Earth. Is there any way of leaving? Jump a rocket ship and monkey bar my way from star to star until I reach my destination. I need something sporadic like maybe losing a pinkie toe. I'd feel off balance but I would feel more sane I suppose. Whatever...I guess.

I've got this

I'm a bad seed. I've come to that specific realization. There is not one singular reason explaining it. It is all accumulative. Everything that makes up my being has collided together to form my body and soul or lack there of. I am the under current that pulls and tugs. I suppose I'm the gate way drug and the drug that makes you O.D. all in one... I hold people back. I leave and everything flourishes and the grass is green and the stars are bright. I am the source of your bad crops and the blanketed corpses of your children. I need to breath a bit. I need time to evolve. I need to leave. I need to be alone. I need to swim in the Pacific.

Home is where I am warm

Let's think in terms of home. What are the main components of home? Is it the warmness of love or is it your favorite place on the couch or is it the address of the house you live in? Is it the feeling of togetherness? The feeling of being one with themselves? I am at home and even though I may not be happy I am home. I crawl towards the stars. I reach and I stretch and I fly. The stars. I want to touch them and then I will finally be home. Next to the fire. Stretching out and feeling the warmth. This feeling...

Home is where your name is written

I write it out sometimes. Your name, you know the one that you wrote on your first grade homework sheets. I sometimes write it, your name and retrace the curves so that it is so inked out that I can take my finger and smear it into a portrait of you. I like the way your name rolls off my tongue. It makes me feel at home knowing that your on my mind and on my mouth. I'm trying hard to make you at home in my home. My life. I want to be able to write you name. Again and again and again. Though at some point I will run out of paper and ink so make this easy and make you mine. We could be as adorable as this blog post.

Merry Christmas

It's Christmas...well it isn't but can we pretend? Let's imagine the sound of snow crunching beneath our heels. Imagine it and you will see it. I'm positive. The sound of paper being torn, the smell of pies slowly cooking in the kitchen, the feel of warmth from the fireplace, and the sight of your family moving about the house in rhythm to the beat of Christmas. It's a ballet. Can you taste the imagery?

Home is where I am alone

I'm alone. I'm sitting in my room looking around hoping and wishing that there was more carbon dioxide in here. I wish there was someone here that could breath with me. Sometimes I feel empty. Like all the water that composes my arms and legs has been drained out into the ocean. I wish to live in a port city so that I can get that water back. I'll call it home and I will start to feel not as alone as this room proves itself to be. I will have someone to help and breath with me. They will hold me when I am scared and they will catch my tears when I cry and they will be there for me when I find myself overwhelmed with happiness at their presence. They will be home. They will be mine. They will be my home.

The man with the oversized umbrella

I saw you struggle. You were balding and withering at your core... I could see it. The way you were affected by gravity and the way the rain beat you into your own crater and the way your umbrella held you back. You were on your knees and I could see the pain and anguish in your face. Your down trodden facial features were sagging and touching the wet concrete. I saw your fingers tremble and your knees buckle and your umbrella hit the ground. You were weak. Defeated. Dying. Distant... I wanted to help. To offer my hand and help you to your feet but I was stuck behind the glass of your habitat that you were caged in. Watching as kids poked the window with intent to rouse you. They wanted to see something extraordinary as well as I did. They wanted to see you stand. They wanted to help. It may be too late...

Lake ahead

I saw the sign. It read "lake ahead". I just wanted to keep driving into the crashing waves. So I did. My car broke into the water surface and it kept diving down into the dark depths of the glassy waves. I found myself in a world quite unlike the one I stare at in the dead of night. No, this was a different kind of night. It was misty and I couldn't see much further ahead of me. I saw the life of this water wonderland. They were the stars speckled across my windshield. My car took me as far as it could then I abandoned my sinking vessel. I watched as it suck deeper into the black abyss. I now found myself with a new predicament. I was encased by liquid and couldn't breath. Though I didn't want to come up for air. I just wanted to remain in place and spend the rest of my life drifting through this fish tank. I enjoyed the view, so I set up shop under the surface and lived out the air I had left.

Cloud dancing

We drank tonite. Quite a volume we consumed. Bottles piled up and we were drifting off. We were floating up slowly into the tangle of mystifying sound. The clouds. We kept at that rate and we danced. At some point I lost you. We disconnected ourselves from each other and drifted in different directions. I lost you in the white fluff. I fell back to Earth soon after and I found myself in my own crater thinking of the short time together. We were what we were missing. We lost everything in that one night of drinking but what's worse is that we were drinking water. So who's at fault?

13

The package told me to take one, so I took 13.
There were no precautions so I should be all right, right?
I'll just go to sleep for a few days or more.
I'll wake up feeling rejuvenated and I will be happy.
This could work.
I could sleep off everything.
The pain, the sadness, the hope, the hurt.
I could sleep for a few days...or more.

Boulder in the Sky

I noticed something different about the sky. Something I had seen before but never seen. It was a work of brilliance the way it somehow had worked it's way into my eye sight tonight though. I was staring upwards at the stars when something that was out of place but was still in place caught my eye. The moon. I of course had seen it before but had never seen it work this hard to get my attention. It wanted to be watched tonight and it deserved my eyes. I watched and stared and tried to understand what it wanted. The way the light of itself caught itself was glorious. I couldn't leave. I was stuck in that spot, unmoving. The moon tonight was a great creamy white eye staring down at me. I wanted to touch it, reach it, and touch it just once. Then I would be happy. It seemed out of place as I had said. It seemed misplaced. Like what I was looking at was a trick of the light of the sun. It seemed fake but I wanted it to be real. It had to be...It showered down sapphire waves all around me and I was bathed in it's beauty. Everything around me was blue, a dark blue that cast shadows. It was gloomy but I couldn't help but to smile. It was a pleasurable gloom I guess. It was so nice. I felt free in the moon's rays. I felt that it was sin to hold me down by gravity. I wished to dance with the moon. To shed my shirt and to bound upwards towards the sky. To join the moon and dance next to the stars who winked and showered us with their jealous, puny waves of light. I won't be brought down. I won't let these barriers hold me. I will dance in the sapphire grasp of the moon. I will howl. I will be one with the sun. The puppeteer behind this whole charade. I will live tonight.

My night with a prostitute from down the road

I discovered something new through my explorations, though but I don't mind. Romance is for the birds who like to peck at the trees. The ones who leave dents in the armor of bark and leave for new wood. I believed everything the birds had to say though. So they are comparable to the sirens of the sea. I crashed on the rocks. One night of passion. I would have been better talking to the birds through the bars. Taking in their knowledge. I don't go outside nowadays. I learned something from what I found.

One small step

What if I landed on the moon? I could leave this place and blast off into oblivion. I would break out past the troposphere and out into the Exosphere. This could be my chance to dance. It would be easy you know? Without gravity my movements would be fluid. I would finally be the ocean and things would be... okay. Eventually I would land on the moon and my trip would be complete. I would colonize and invite my friends. We could bring trampolines and see who could jump into the sun first. It would be a fairly fair game I suppose. Though I do believe I would have the upper hand. Being that I am one with the stars, it would be quite easy for me to get the highest jump and become lodged in the sun's core. I wouldn't mind the heat. Heavens no, it would be great. I have always seen the sun as a gentle giant with a cold heart and I think we would both find that we are accustomed to each other's great heat. It would be serendipitous.

Home is where my feet take me

I've found something new. That home isn't where the heart is or where we are together. It's where I lay under my favorite tree in the woods and let the shallow breeze break over me. Where the sun collides with my skin and where the sounds of nature brush against me. This is home, though there is home in other locations. I find home while sitting in my car with my head against the window looking out on the world. It's my own personal fish tank yet it captures the world for my eyes to see. I see humanity. The way they walk, talk, and breath. It's beautiful really, it is. I see their interaction and it brings a irremovable smile to my face. This is true happiness.

I've attempted to find new ways to describe home but I always end up walking in circles to the same spot. I tried to place and shove three angels I truly loved into the shapes of my life but in the end they shoved back. I was able to put two of the three true loves into their space. Not the originally designated spaces but they are in my life. They fit so perfectly but alas I am not perfect. I was and am unable to fit that third angel in. I can't and won't, unfortunately because she was once my home. In the end she was a vulture, not an angel. Now, I say fly away.

So I was wrong three times. What of it? I'm through being right or wrong so I give up on taking chances of the heart. Though through all the searching I was able to understand myself better and where home is. Home is where my feet take me. Home is where ever I may be. Whether it be in the safety of my own bed, in a back alley way shivering from the cold, or on the ocean shore soaking up the sun's warmth.

Litlle lamp

I take the steps it takes to get to my room and flick the switch that Illuminates my room with white light. I then switch it back off. I sit in the darkness and let the waves come in. I listen as the water rushes in and races back to the sea. I grasp on the shoreline for the lamp. A small little lamp. My secondary light and I switch it on. I am illuminated in dull yellow light. I am so alone without that little lamp but with it I feel warmth. The emptiness inside is filled with the light and I can continue to breath.

Closing on Closure

Frankly, I'm sick of chasing a moving object and it seems that I'm constantly doing just that. I don't understand it and I have no clue what's wrong with me. I guess it's all for the pursuit of a life filled with soul or maybe I'm just human. I suppose that I had hopes that if I could find someone who could even remotely understand me that maybe I in turn could understand myself. I learned a lot from the Angels I chased. I found purpose, I found happiness, I found a new understanding of everything around me. I found this all in their eyes. Blue, Black, and Green eyes. Though, this is me closing on closure. I'm done. I'm no longer interested in finding anything in glimmering pearl beauties. I only find the ditch where I sleep.

Feathers

I have friends. They are each a feather to the angel wings that hold me up. They help me fly and keep me going. They help me breath and see the stars. Though I'm afraid I lost a friend today and thus a feather. This friend was a very large feather to my wings. She was almost the core component to how I was able to fly. This was a sad subtraction but I won't get my wings wet. I'll just fly lopsided for now.

Change of shoes

I'm not wearing the same shoes tonight.
I switched them for something odd...
The blurred shapes of humanity flashed around me
and I felt compassion for the ones who were walking.
They walked fluently but they were tongue tied.

Gambling Angels

Round acute angels.
Spreading out their wings and dodging out castles.
Carrying messages of truths be told.
Running from whatever they might be holding.
Double edged words and fragrant card holders.
Dealing out false bets and losing their winnings.

Red Angel

A wounded Jack of a queen's court.
Blood issued out of a gash of sorts.
I nursed and healed this red angel...
It was an odd affair.
The way I tended to her wounds and offered her my shoes.
The ones i walk with.

Breath of June

I have new breath.
It feels good...this feeling.
I am new in this breath of June.

She has a choke hold,
and I'm suffocating happily on her scent.
How does she do it?

This month of June has a breath.
A breath of June.
She helps me breathe.

I feel gentle winds.
Rolling softly onto me.
Her cee-oh-two.

Breaths of June help me breathe...

Muse

Muse. I scoff at the idea now. What is inspiration anyways? I can form delicate words placed so cleverly minus the inspiration to do so. I don't need a soul to know that I'm filled with soul. I have successfully retained the connection I have with the Earth so I can play off of that. I am going back to how June felt. The way the air touched my skin and the way the ground felt to the touch. I was on solid ground but old ghosts shook me out of place. I suppose it is my fault for dwelling so long. So this is where I stand now. New solid ground playing off of the stars and ocean current. A new muse.

Well hid to hide to run away

I've got a nice pair of shoes strapped onto my feet. They suit me well. I can walk for miles on end without fear of sore feet. Though I do wonder. What will happen when my shoes give out? When the soles come loose, when the aglets tear off of the laces, when the shoes color turns to the dirt that I tread on. My bare feet exposed. What will I become? I could gather the spare change in my pockets and purchase a new pair. Or I could take those scarce metal coins and throw them over my shoulder into the wishing well. I could wish for new shoes. Another option of course is to turn back and face the double edged beasts that pursue me. I could grin and bear it and take what they have set for me. I could stop this senseless running. I could stop chasing the stars, quite swimming in the Pacific, or I could all together stop breathing. This could suffice. Do you see? I am in connection with myself and everything around me. I know where my name starts and where it ends so I know who I am. So I'm perfectly fine with walking away. Like I said I have shoes. I am well hid to hide to run away.

Caught in the rain

Caught it the rain. It happened before my eyes and I was caught in the rain. I wasn't dancing and that's what scared me. It's always been my dream to dance in the rain but I found myself stationary on the cold ground breathing heavy. This was not what I wanted but at the same time I didn't care enough to stop. I was caught it the rain and I'm afraid I may be stuck here as the water falls against my skin and soaks me to the bone. I fear that I am now afraid of the rain and all that it brings with it.

Bears, Wolves, and the Thermosphere

I've been fearing the wolves double edged fur but what if I've been cowering from the wrong thing? What if this cozy feeling of home is actually a bear's grin hidden under a zippered veil. I wonder sometimes. Have I been reading the signs and road maps wrong? or does the crumpled edge of the atlas page hold something I'm missing? There's obviously something terribly right with how I'm feeling but what of the way I feel it. I lose myself. I'm often weaving in and out of the atmosphere with my thoughts and sometimes bits and pieces of me slip off into the debths of space and I lose myself...Though the air up here is nice.

Harmless codes

This marks it you know?
The end of an era and
this is all we have.

Words and things to
show that we are always there.
but where are we ay?

This questions posed
seems to be where we are now.
Forever Dwelling.

Will this move on soon?
Does this rotation ensue?
Will it keep turning?

My feet move...do yours?
or do they take steps backwards?
I'm afraid of that.

I put these codes here
so my words make sense to me.
This nonsense I speak.

Double meaning words.
That's the nature of my hand.
It's a sad habit.

416 237243 63 4878...
66 968 263 46 8876 66 63.
842817 255 4 226 729...

Trips to the ocean

I walked along the shoreline staring up at the stars. I was beside myself and wasn't watching where I was going I suppose but I tripped over the ocean. Once my hair dried I realized that I didn't mind the moisture so I jumped back in and let the waves eat me up.

Forever ours

It's forever my secret,
'till someone finds the code.
Then it will forever be ours.
7327387

Live to die to dance forever

It's bound to happen. We will die and become food for worms. We will become one with the Earth and we will be nonexistent. Once breathing we will be filled with dead stale air and the Earth will still continue it's rotation. What do we all live for? Do we live for life or do we live to one day die? We spend the first 18-20 years of our life preparing for living. Then the next 5-6 unscrambling our purpose. We are now 26 and between now and 35 we will settle into living. We will have a family and things will seem like puzzle pieces falling into place so very easily. We will have purpose for 5-15 years before turmoil and we are in our mid forties or early fifties. We are wound up and are slowing down. We have found purpose and have raised it to adulthood and now we are lifeless shells left behind. We begin withering away and gravity begins taking it's affect. Slowly dragging us six feet under. We have no purpose but to wait. Soon we die away and are placed in a wooden crate for shelter but that protection does nothing to the decomposition. Even after death we are still sinking deeper. Pathetic, fragile, soft beings we humans are. What were we built for and where are we heading? Are we forever strapped into this planet spinning into the sun? Or are we built for something more? Something beyond the stars perhaps that would be a fate I could swallow. We could live to die to dance forever in the stars. That would be an ending fit to my liking. That would make me smile.

Coded path

You search for answers to this coded path.
Seek the walls.
They speak forever truths.
63837 5683
63837 543
Keep walking...

Near

I know these hazel eyes keep you near,
but I've got other fears...
I'll always be your soft melody,
soaring over the starry sky.
Though I don't know if I can sing the song right...

Tonight you'll walk fast and I'll walk faster
but we'll go nowhere...
6...3...2...7...

Hide away

I want to go where you hide?
Where souls are administered at entry.
A soul would be a nice.
This is a far off destination though.

There are ropes and chains binding me here
but I'm distressed I guess.
Desperate for a last chance to dance.
This is a chance.

So take me there occasionally and
let me have a soul for one night
but when you're done just place me back in bed...

So I can dream once more.

Blank slate.

Hushed rushed push tones.
Taking back all that is broken and
placing it in the bin.
Does the scent make you feel alone?
I just want things to be fair...
That's all I ask.

Sailor days

The rent is up and I'll sail into the churning sea.
Forever sailing is what I'll be.
Dancing on deck and living alongside this tremendous current.
I'll dock in a place where I can watch the stars.
I leave at dusk...
4...6...6...3...2...9...3...

Angel wings

These feathery wings flick past your sight and you see nothing.
Do you see the Angel wings?
They are always there. Right behind the places that they hide.
You need to search a bit to achieve perception.
Walk past the garden gates to where they hide.
Behind the magnolias and babies breath.
Their wings are wet and they cry for you.
2...7...4...5...4...3...
I can feel your heart pulse through these metal boundaries and I know you're there.
You're safe here but your soft and torn.
You're hidden like the angel wings.
Right behind the places that you hide.
Why are you hiding with the angel wings?
Why are you peeking your soft torn lips from behind the garden gates?
5...4...3...7...

North Vs. South

We are complimentary.
I be the frigid north and she is the southern heat waves.
She cools off my warm skin and I warm her cold heart.
We end up in the center when we are together.
6....5....6....1...6....
We are dancers of Fort Sumter.
We dance on the battleground and cross over the fallen.
This is the beginning and I'll soon win but in the end a win for me is a win for all.

Sky Chasers

The caterpillar longs for
something more, the cocoon
is simply waiting for
something to happen, but
the butterfly has nothing
to chase but the sky...

1. Swaying 2. Green eyes 3. Interpretation 4. Acceptance 5. Me

1. Swaying

Swaying, such a thing.
Rhythmically together it seems.
Can we stay like this?

2. Green Eyes

Tremendous green eyes.
Five twenty...Five seventy
Glinting forever

3. Interpretations

Can we write our tale?
Each take our own way to write.
Interpretations...

4.Acceptance

Can we meet somewhere?
A place where we are not judged.
Acceptance my dear.

5. Me.

Me? This is profound.
Is this a question or declared?
Us is all I hear.

Falling Meteoroids

We were stuck in the dark sky with the spotted diamonds laying about around us. Eye contact could make me think crazy things on this night and all I wanted was to stare. I said I was crazy. We laid there talking about the flaws of this situation and I lost myself sometimes, but was instantly snapped to reality by the sound of her voice. It alarmed me as the time flashed by. We were in the forever darkness. I could see her outline in the dark and I noted each feature on her face. I couldn't help myself really. There was something curious I noted though. There were flashes of white and yellow in here hair. It would flare out and then retreat into the deep dark. It was a glorious and spectacular event. I was no longer losing myself to myself but I was losing myself to her. It wasn't until we parted though that I truly understood the flares in her hair. It appears there are shooting stars stuck in her hair, but it's all right. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Holes in my brain...

I wish I remembered things. Entire thoughts, actions, moments are gone from my memory and I can't get them back. I can lay in the grass and stare at the clouds or stars and I'll forget why I lay there. I forget why I start each step with a right foot. I forget where I lost my soul and most importantly I forget why I forget. Circles it seems. I need some momentary locking mechanism to hold me in place for even a split second. So maybe in that split second I can remember why I forgot why I forget and I can start remembering the important things in my soulless life.

Rainbow Trout

Pulsations pulse and I'm sitting here thinking. What if we could change our colors? Rather than shed out of fads and ways of carrying ourselves. Not to colors of race but to ones to set apart ourselves from our breathing brethren. Deep down we all look the same and are made of water. 70%... I would like to stand out but not by outlandish means. I merely want to be known as TrixxSpiritCatcher, the kid with the red stripe down his side.

Trashy fur coats

This is just for a certain lamb.
Lay em' to sleep and lay to slaughter.
These canine habits are just the wolf.
I promise to eventually hang up my coat.
But will you sit down and stay a while?
I'll hang our coats in the trash,
and we can watch wolves jump over the fence.

Thunder Root < Lightning Leaves

I want to re-imagine the sky.
No more of the Lightning first followed by thunder.
It'll defy science but I've done it before.
I need the root.
The one that shakes the earth and shapes the mountains.
Thunder Root.
I'll plant it in your backyard and a tree will soon sprout.

Limbs will intertwine the sky and limbs will give birth to leaves.
These leaves will soon leave and Autumn will be here.
Did it work?

Pirahna

We were a pretty school of fish and you stood out against the flashy scales. You shown through and glinted your tail fin at me. I followed of course into the darkness. We were surrounded by deep black waves and we were alone. We felt comfortable floating along the current but over time I saw a different glint than the one that captivated me when I met you. The way the light hit your grin sent pulses of sinister conceit up and down my spine. You lured me in and I walked right into your sharpened beauties. I should of seen em.

Marchers

Let's march in procession.
Left right right left.
That looks odd...
but I'll leave it in a bit.
Ditch the slag and we'll march.
Or skip with our L,R,R,L movements.
We could be Nazis...
Well minus the swastika and genocide.
We could march the streets and shout at the top of our lungs.
This could be what we are. Marchers.

Star gazers and awesome dancers

Let's star gaze and dance a bit.
Seriously. Let's dance with the fucking stars.
I'm a bit ecstatic and a bit run down but I'm still up for it.
Forget the non believers.
I can dance with you...you can dance with me.
Can that be fun?
This could be where we are and where we were.
Star gazers and awesome dancers.
Forever or at least for as long as your parents don't know.

We all cried wolf

It was odd I suppose. The way the furry beasts stalked their prey and ripped them to shreds. They seemed so content with who they were and didn't mind an audience while they shed blood against the snow. I wanted to scream out and call on a larger crowd. The world had to see this spectacle but my voice was caught in my throat. I guess it is their loss.

Breathing

I watched you breathe.
While we laid under the covers.
With your head resting against my arm.
Your breath looked so peaceful
and I had hopes that I could bottle the carbon dioxide that you emitted.
I'd store it creepily underneath my bed and then I'd always have a piece of what you are and what you may be.
That would be enough for me.
No sense of property here though I'd love for you to be mine.
If not I will keep your bottled breath under my bed.

Join the Star Fleet

Can you pick me up ay? The stars I say...Can you pick me up anymore? Put your unhindered grasp around my throat once more and see if I care. Let's float away and meet your neighbors. I'd love to feel their exuberant heat swell and singe my eye brows. Can you do that for me ay? Let me see it one last time you abused hydrogen giants. I want to see tears.

Seemingly So...

Seemingly together but a shift could seemingly become disastrous.
Take the sun light out the day and we're seemingly alright with the sudden darkness.
Where does that put us? We could easily black out and I would seemingly forget what made me write this.......................
Okay I'm back. Seemingly so...

August Snow Ball Fights

Let's have a snow ball fight while the August sun beats on our backs. I'd feel quite invigorated having the sun warm my body while the snow cooled it off. Can this feat be achieved? I suppose not. We can pretend though...right? Let's just close our eyes and open our minds and see if we can make the ice rain fall down. Then we could bundle up and make way to the doorway and out into the snowy warmth and enjoy the tossing of icy rain. That would be fun I guess.

Shallow Waves

Shallow waves.
Breathing in and out,
with the tide.
Boats passerby and
drift logs.
Orbs of eyes in the crashing waves.
We could float away I suppose.

Fire Dancers

We danced and our particles were smashed into each other forming one unit. There was an energy in us and even though there was a soothing breeze playing off of the lake...I was still extremely hot. We swayed back and forth and the movement added to the heat. Our constant breathing kept us grounded though we yearned to float upwards and dance near the sun. Though we did dance for Venus and prayed that it's great heat wouldn't make matters worse. We were fire dancers for this one night and that's all I could wish for I suppose. For now.

Bomber, Barricades, and Enemy Bunkers.

We were modern warriors dressed in grime but we were unhappy with where we were. We found ourselves ducking behind enemy barricades and had our chance to go against the non believers and jump to the other side and damn ourselves with our traitor action. We were oppressed and needed change. We begged for the pleasant jingle of it even.
We had dirt smeared faces and yet I could still see her eyes. They sparkled like deep September sapphires. We were prepared for this. Bombs landed feet away from us and smoke and dust filled our lungs. We stared into each others eyes one last time before we were to make our decision. I made the first move. I swung my legs over the wall and landed on the other side to snide remarks and accusing fingers from the enemy. I turned back to the wall and could see through a crack her face. She asked me "Where are we at and where do we go from here". I pondered the question and when the answer came to me I turned back and said, "I am here and you are there. Whether you join me here or stay there is no difference to me as long as the decision you make is the one you really have made". It was at that moment that things became blurry. We were under attack and I took cover in enemy bunkers. After the chaos of the sudden bombardment of bombs I went out to find her.

It's been days since...

Electric

It was electric. The way we weaved in and out of the dark shadows and found safety on the black tarp. Paranoia occasionally creeping and misplacing our thoughts but all together we were there. We were breathless not for lack of oxygen nor breath but for what now lay between us. This was all left up to the chance of one heart. The pressure bore down on us but this was pressure so light that it was almost weightless. We floated up to the stars and we moved the constellations around. When we came back down it seemed like we knew where we were but at the same time our footing was off and we tumbled back onto the black tarp. We laid there in shambles for a while laughing softly in hopes that we wouldn't wake the sleeping ones and give away where we had landed. We hugged goodbye and a peck on the cheek made me once again feel electric. I felt weightless and I once again floated away...without her this time back to my home away from home.

Red Tipped Fiends

We were red tipped fiends.
We dodged each danger and left
our mark at the scene.

Habits

Running. It's a habit. I've run from many things ranging from love to the occasional rain storm but I'm slowly learning to stand in the rain and let the water seep to my bones.

Home is where we are together

I found home...
I suppose it's non conventional but it is home.
I found it sitting by a double paned glass staring out at humanity sipping at an expensive cheaply made caffeine beverage. As I sifted the contents of said beverage in my mouth, moving the incessant chunks of chocolate and trying my best not to up chuck, I found my home sitting across from me. She stared with me through the glass and we were at peace in our home. The scene shifts and I found myself once again at home. We sorted through books of knowledge, insanity, and whim. Odd books of haiku, being in the game, and the many different ways to use the restroom. We settled into chairs and read aloud the words of Wendy Simard and we were strangely at home. We rode a New Age ride to a scene of different scents and sites. We were exploring the past and future and we found a splendorous collection of things that we dibbed to be ours. Pictures from before we were named and random bits and bobs that were spectacular to our eyes. We talked some more of the future while delving into the past and a horrendous yet incredibley thought out home came to mind. Rooms filled with the winnings of our ventures. Thinking of this fourth home of the day put an irremovable smile on my face and it was at that moment that I realized I had a irremovable love to match the irremovable smile that time with her gave me. I left this glorious place with a army bomb type thing turned umbrella holder and thus our collection began. We needed sustenance so we ordered potatoes and chicken and some other odd food like items at the ginger's place. We found ourselves at a drive in movie and we enjoyed our food while we watched a horribly made movie about a man and his love for his overly priced red shed. We hardly watched the movie. We were more enthralled with the other in the opposite seat. We reminisced about our whole new world that we would soon start and about how the actors in the movie were poorly cast. In the end the red shed was burned by the town gang and as they drove off the man screamed towards the heavens "BLADOUWAHHH". At least the ending made her laugh so that I could see her smile. As the credits rolled I had a sudden epiphany. It was at that moment that I admitted that "It was against human nature for your parents to keep us apart...You are my muse". I don't quite know how she reacted in her head but her outer reaction seemed how do I say not creeped out. We ended our day with a hug and drove away in separate cars leading to different places, but I knew that we would be together soon. We've grown too far together to grow apart I suppose. Well, I guess the point to this is that I realized something. Home isn't where the heart is or where I lay to rest my head. Home is where we are together.

Water Craves

i.
Rather be...
A bear buried deep within a sand cocoon.
Warm. Content. Eyes closed.
A great sea, lashing out water craves.
Torrent. Splash. Destruction.
Rather be...
A bear in safety's warmth.
Fear of nothing...not the sea.

ii.
Caught in the waves.
A drift, pulsing out water craves.
H2O surrounds. Above. Below.
Craving for oxygen. Deprivation.
Water bullets. Light streaks. Sound drums.
Dark swirls. Encasing. Suffocating.
End this, cut to the chase.
On the shore, face down. Morning breaks.

Kentucky Clouds

We were grass laying, cloud watchers.
A boat would take you away the next
day and with it my tears. Goodbye to
our whispers, yells, and cries.
She was a no one I said as she
floated off and I laid back on
the ground and watched
the Kentucky clouds...

Shape shifting into pricey ventures

We met while swimming in the Golden Gulf
and we were the mighty manta ray.
Unison swimming was our goal and with you I felt alive.
We grew together and with it we took new form.
We were the stray cats and filth that layered the streets.
We felt alive.
We cleaned up and became civil beings and we were horses.
We kept changing and eventually we were ourselves,
but it seems you didn't like what I had become.
So you shape shifted out of my life and left on a boat to some place...
Now no amount of change could bring you back.
You're too pricey...

Shift

I found a muse spun into a spider's web.
We met and danced and at that point we
were two dolphins interweaving our story
with the waves. Soon after that we grew
out our land legs and walked on the beach.
It was odd I suppose.

Fools

I wrote your favorite rhymes.
I can spit em out on a dime.
I've searched.
I searched...

Please let this take over,
this feeling that I run from.
This is tearing me apart.
A brand new start?
A call with no answer.
Just wanted to prove that you're there.
I started a new dialogue,
that broke my heart.
It made me new today...

And a random thought.
I mixed the feelings of yesterday.
I saw them walk in different directions,
with a lie packed in every one.
This was so far from who I am,
and I'm passed out on your couch.
Hiding in the nook and cranny of your house.
This is my dialogue.
It's covered by what's hidden.
Hate and fear are so smitten.

These are the ramblings...
of a fool who is stuck on replay.
Writing,
Singing,
Saying,
Typing,
and drawing.
Out some sort of truth to his lies.

Drinking down the chances I never took.

We laid there with fingers crossed and got lost in the acute angles that our bodies formed while stars winked and cross multiplied what was there all along. We were taken in and consumed by the energy from the ground beneath us and We became sea dwellers for just one night. We were in the water flipping and turning in the waves. Salt water seeped into our eyes and we felt no pain... I always knew that's where we belonged. We were the crashing waves on the shore. Tide in and Tide out. We were the waves. We were a double helix pair constantly intertwining our bodies together. Eventually our lungs broke, and we returned to the night sky. I turned my head and you were gone and my fingers were uncrossed but everything seemed to be...ok. I drink down all I can find now. I lose myself sometimes but I'm all right. I've set out on a voyage for gold and all the while I drink. I drink for you, I drink for me, I drink down all the chances I never took.

Dancing with the sky

I once danced the dance to captivate the sky. It would swirl around me and help me keep the beat of the songs that played in my head. I once let my hair whip around in rhythmic sways but since then I've cut my hair short. I left the sky in 2007, I let the ambrosia drag me down away from dancing and joined the ones who stood still and let the world revolve around them. I've since found my beat and am starting to regain my moments of hip movements and foot slides. The beat is pulsing upwards through the blades of grass and climbing up to my dark hair. It is surging through my veins and I can feel the dance of dances coming back and I will once again captivate the sky.

Years ago...

I was once strangled by the stars. They wrapped their glimmering hands around my throat and raised me above the atmosphere. I could see their eyes while floating in the exosphere and they were filled with tears. The stars don't visit me anymore. It's been years ago since...

The twentieth day of June

Today I disconnected myself from humanity and stared at the sky. I didn't see
airplanes that were pretending to be shooting stars, rather I saw a
great landscape of dancing colors, of blue and white. Soon black
captured those colors in an orb of glowing cream white and thus it was night time.

Contorted Heart ¿?

I have a heart.
It twists and turns and at times is hidden in a mysterious veil.
Just like any heart in the world you have to search to find how the organ works.
Mine contorts, it molds to every new experience I put it through.
And when I fall my heart is graceful in it's dismount always landing on it's feet even when I don't. My heart is anatomically correct. I'm over being a hopeless romantic so I ditched the heart in the shape of a pair of upside down testicles and adopted a new one. One that keeps people guessing. One that fits me and when it doesn't it contorts to match where I am and where I'm going.

She

She was a no one
and she calls me.
She threw a fit.
No more souls
Promises...
She promised me.

We all deserved a time outside of the rain. And we shall be dry...

Data Waves

I spend my coldest nights above the data waves.
Avoiding each deadly pulse.
Making only the slightest noise,
and hoping for a savior giant
to come down and release me from my sandy cocoon.
You can't hold a candle to me.

Vessel

A rare sudden rush.
Crescendo into downpours.
Water fade away.

A hollow vessel.
A great structure torn to shreds.
Blank remembrance...

Phantom's last will

A sudden cloud shift.
Pouring down waves and drowning,
out the soulless ones.

The grim reaper's hand.
Cloaked death shrouds a child's heart.
A phantom's last will.

A sunshine rainfall.
A paradox in the sky.
Caught up in it all.

I am a mammal...

I am a mammal.
Waves break on my skin
and the lofty current carries me under.
My fur is soaked to the bone.
An undry-able force...inside...outside.
My body folds itself into acute angles.
A path that I have lost.
This situation is moxing.
Slowly.
Falling.
I close my eyes and my central nerves collapse.

Stargate 27

Sometimes I get carried away.
Birds. Balloons.
Defiant of gravity.
While at a stand still above the atmosphere,
I find the answers to the most common questions.
Take that as you will.

Bought words.

A rimose memory.
Dating back 9-7
A sense of abhorrence for that thought.
Trite diction, follow through

Seek panacea.
A simple way to a cure.
He is still alive.

Stultification.
Way further than the true mark.
You don't have it yet.

JimJams Strabismus.
Jitters, a eye condition.
Slowly taking me.

Tabescence sets in.
I'm dissolving into soil.
Taking you with me.

Repatriate me.
I don't belong in this place,
and they don't see this...

Glass houses

A slow release.
Legs give way and a sudden collapse.
Cleophus has carried me away.
These glass houses fogging up into translucent...
Crowds form, watching a spectacle through the glass.
11...eleven

Sailed home

I'm sitting on the shore
waiting to be sailed away.
A bear, my companion.
I want to be sailed home.

Healing Rays

Let me decompose,
and sink gently into this.
Orb, make my limbs new.

Darkening Horizon

Elegant skyline.
A orb perched atop the clouds.
Such a sight to see...

Hidden Beauty

I saw the beauty of nature in eyes of two lovers and in the imprint of a mother and her children. This untamed beauty is often hidden from view.

Voices from friends

Voices reside where?
Through the trees they do speak now.
Speak to me...Don't harm

Tramp through God's garden.
This great beauty he has made,
but this is endless.

Do fear not of harm,
a mere footprint in the end,
will not hurt me now.

Alone, a venture.
Bring out a good companion.
Let them see this all.

Feeble bones

I fear the falling.
These limbs might break and fall.
Crush my feeble bones.

Fallen

One fallen, he'll die.
Soon he'll decompose and poof.
Join the round and wind.

Hunched over archway.
Fallen so elegantly.
Cut off from the Earth.

Iconium

3,2,9...
Let the waves break you down.
3,2,9...
Carry you to shore somewhere.
3,2,9...
Once again I am here.
3,2,9...
and your stuck right there
3,2,9 to shore I'll share.

Helle

Helle, and you escape up on the ram.
Gold, hot fur under your hands.
Time...and the water swallows up whats whole of your soul.

(oh sister dear, we had to run away then)

Water falls heavy on your chest.
Unholy time flows swiftly, your apart of the strait.
One to four miles wide, the Aegean Sea swallows you up.
The Sea of Marmara has got your soul.

Tangential

Tangential I am.
Roaming with my words on this,
I'm hiding something.

Savonarolla

Savanarolla,
and at times that's how I feel.
Burned to death, heresy.

English Sparrows

Wings, fair beauty, fly.
Into the billowing clouds.
Your wings touch the sky.

Parabiosis

Random two breeds
left together...
...parabiosis...
Will this parachute hole the air dwelling lovers?

La yeux sil vous plait

Escape into the gray night
and stow your body in our hideaway.
La yeux sil vous plait.
Let me see your marble beauties.
They sparkle and shine in my mind.
We're so close.
What will happen in this silent dark?

Parts of a hole.

Pt. I

I love this one. I love this song.
Stories of new, Tales of old.
By my side, not too close by fear.
There's issues lying between each line.
I can taste what you are thinking.
Borrowed words. Five dollar ways.

Pt. II

Nostalgia, eat away.
A bird, a goose, no it's a tree.
Fought back eternally.
Life, a 900 meter dash.
Pace yourself, slow down.
Reality is subject to change.
Subject matter isolate.
It's not too late.

New wave form

Rain ribbons fall.
The dam's collapse.
Not trying to stall but fast time elapses.
A fiddle whistle breaks the silence and carries me to a new wave form.
New questions. New words. New thoughts.
Collapse the old, let the waves carry them under.

Never look up

I keep looking up but all I see is the ground.
Left...Right...All I see is you.
We are all basically alone.
Terminal beeps.
Scattered bones, pick em up and roll em again.
This destiny has a vice grip. Oh! shit...
I'm laying in the yard, so fugged up.
Never look up...

Enter the trees. Scratches. Thorns. Rumble Tumble.
Search for days for that tight feeling.
You'll never get back. Miles away.
Damn Distance.
Turn to the next blank page.

Claptrap

Frost, twisting snakelike upon a once beaten path.
Halter words once spoken to the ear of Aether.
Secrets. Taint the warmest of heart.
This is all counterfeit.
Created illusions to deceive the mind.
A claptrap of sorts.

Mind Games.

Rifle trifle words stained from the birds.
Wings.
A heart to exclaim.
Falsities, Lies, Denies.
Cries For days.
A soulless heart torn from flesh.
A heartless soul laid to rest.
Mind games. Stop.
I won't sort wires
or conspire to follow you through the snow.

In a field...again

A field.
Orange streaming from branches painted brown.
Secrets yelled in the middle of the city for nature's ears
Clouds billow smoke burning flesh.
Water, cleaning wounds and woodland creatures sigh as they watch.
Curled, fear crashing down.
A half empty pack of spirits, spent and wasted.
Humming.
Again, but a different pitch.
The boy listens quietly.
Years...Months...Days...

Tides of War

Blood has stained this battlefield,
bodies lay motionless.
Bodies of my past, present, and future.
The awful smell of carcass fill my nostrils
with the scent of pain and sorrow.
The sight of Death brings me to my knees.
I lay there for days in a cold sweat on the ground,
among the bodies of my enemies and loved ones.

I walk away from this battle with but a few scratches.
I am the only survivor.
Where will the tides of war take me?
I'll let my body flow in sync with the waves.
The war, now over, will give birth to new wars.
The fighting will continue for years,
but you will not find me on the battlefield.
Man upon man has died to the brutal hands of this war.
Death will always continue.

I've lost loved ones.
Her eyes were the stars, her hair was the river,
and her arms were my comfort.
The war engulfed her,
she was swept away by the tides of war.
I miss her.

I'm on the ground again.
Clear liquid streams down my face.
Tears of happiness, of anger, of hate and sadness, of fear.

Things hurt the most when you take the pain alone.
I'm running, running from the pain.
The pain of deceit, of fear, of happiness.
I'll always run.
Forever with the tides of war.

In a field

In a field, there is a table.
On the table are many things.

A glass filled with water, pens, papers, books,
and in the middle of the table is a typewriter.
The sound of the clicking can be heard as a person sitting in a chair at the table types away rapidly. As he types, vivid images of his past, and present flash around him. A soft humming sound breaks the clicking into silence. All that can be heard is the humming. Days go by as the boy sits and waits for the humming to stop. Years go by and the humming continues.

In a field, there is a table. The boy can not be found. Gone away with the humming.

The little lamp

Shining,
shining,
shining.
The bulb flickers,
and the night becomes still.
The trees outside make silent waves to the moon.
The blades of grass cry with the sun peaking over the horizon.
The daisies all bloom in anticipation,
while the moon hides behind the mountains.
The bulb flickers,
and the day wakes up.
Shining,
Shining,
Shining.

Mouse versus Wolf

Laying, staring at the clouds, a pass time.
Thoughtless.
Effortless.
Free.
Nature surrounds me and wraps it's air around my vital organs.
Safe.
Though the occasional beast will wander into the boundaries and swoop down and snatch up an innocent mouse.
The mouse.
A father.
Dead.
A snack for this beast.
A circle.
Rotating constantly.
Changing yet remaining the same.
Though I live in this "nature", that does not make me a happy inhabitant, just a mindless drone to follow suit of my surrounding brethren. No.

Tattered. Torn

A torn page,
tattered but still retaining its original value.
Words strewn across it with smeared ink and bits of graphite.
Words of empty lies.
Words saying goodbye.

Change of Preference.

Things happen, your mind evolves and your way of thinking changes. One day you think everything is in place then the next a burst of wind opens the windows of change and you come out a different person. Mistakes happen, fact of life. Hearts are very temperamental, fact of the human anatomy. The fact is I thought I knew where I stood in this place but I was wrong. I should have tested the waters by sticking my feet in first before jumping right in. The world evolves, so does the human heart.

Words

Twisting,
snakelike words that tangle and ensnare your heart.
Like arrows they pierce your vital organs.
Lies cut deep.

Hobo Q&A

I gave a hobo a flower once...he ate it. And as he chewed on the petals of daisy I posed the question. "Can a heartless soul and a soulless heart fall in love? He slowly continued his snack of plant and I could see my words slowly churning in his head. He opened his mouth, appearing to know his answer then he closed his mouth in defeat. This process continued for hours. I would hand him a flower and it would slowly be consumed by the dirty human before me. Each time I would stare into those blank eyes and ask my question. It was apparent he knew not the answer so I slowly began to gather my things. As I stood up to walk away I heard a sound. The tearing of root from earth. The man, my companion for the past hours stood up, ad mangled daisy in his hand. I reached out accepting his present. I then took the plant and pressed it to my lips. My hand lowered, full of knowledge. I said my goodbyes to the man and walked along the railroad tracks. Thinking of the answer he had given me.

Romeo and Juliet

Better knights spent. Seen worse.
Kisses at midnight?
Only on paper.
Romeo and Juliet. Contradiction.
These thoughts may be fake.
Crept, misplaced.
I've learned not to dwell.

Fortress

A false representation of how your heart runs.
I see no sign of the walls,
a fortress,
upon fake defenses.
Your gone but yet I stand here at the gates.
What am I to do?

Kiddie Pool

Kiddie pool, jump in but the water only reaches your ankles.
Not Satisfying?
Take another dip but don't drink too much or the water will crush your heart.
I've sought after it.

Mislead

A sought after path but none have left this place. They've left such obstrosities in their denial. Where is my heart going? Is it real? Am I a deceiver? Do you feel my eyes shut? Insomnia...

A mess. Taking abominations upon a soul who steals away. A lost path but the branches speak of truths. Where does the trail lead? I'll search...

Wolf Coat

The tide is out and it roles in with nothing but the solemn remembrance of the curse that places and subdues your soul.

False...

Why do the wolves always deceive with their false coats?
Leave them at the door.

Thief

You steal, yeah you stole.
My heart, my words, and my favorite rhymes.
Hard to follow out such logic drawn from my surroundings.
Such words that pierce your veil of lies.
Jolly Frolly words filled with mistrust.
Follow me to the field where the pulsing reside.
Standing, eyes locked on another.
Hands clasped close denying my presence.
A soulless heart and a heartless soul can not fall in love.
My attempts are futile.